I often read horror stories about people who haven’t told their family out of fear. They say “you can never UNtell” and things like that, and live in a half-cast existence where they have to hide their multiplicity from everyone around them. I couldn’t live that. I was reading some things on The Ability to Trust and a few other articles on Emily First Girl about relationships with spouses and significant others I thought I would share my own experience.

To be clear I’m not decrying anyone’s decision to tell or not tell. I just wanted to put out there why we told our spouse. I’m still not sure how I will tell my son when he’s old enough to understand; but I imagine because we’re very open in our household and among our close friends, room mate and with my mother about these things that we will also tell and I’m sure there are other multiples out there who have told their families and hopefully have shared their experiences.

To talk about why I told I have to start with when I first started to find out that I wasn’t…normal…which is when I was in college.

When I was with my “psycho” ex our entire relationship was about the various fragments we both had. To this day I honestly don’t know if she was also a multiple, at the time I didn’t know I was. In our relationship we spent a good deal of time channeling our personas from past lives, and while this did help my fragments to find a stronger personality base to live through it, it also meant that our relationship wasn’t very grounded in the real world, and I was afraid for a long time to talk about my experiences and the fact that even though the relationship ended I felt that I was still fluxing from past life aspect to past life aspect.

I rebounded into a relationship with a guy I had dated in high school, because Max thought he was a wonderful and randomly kissed him at a stop light while we were driving somewhere. Unfortunately for us he preferred some of my other aspects to Max, which made things very awkward, especially because we were completely scared about talking to him about our fluxing because I didn’t want the potential for our relationship to turn out like my “psycho” ex’s; but it meant there was a lot of gaps in our relationship which I felt was unfair because while he understood that I had “crazy” days. I was also very skittish and hesitant about talking about a lot of things. So, there were gaps of distrust, and in the end my wounded and scared self ran away from the relationship when he asked me to move in with him, and I hid at my parents house. Those were not the only issues with our relationship but it was a big part of it, the longer I didn’t talk about it the harder it became.

Several years later I discovered that I really did have feelings for the man who would become my spouse. I didn’t want to have the lingering mess that I’d had with my rebound guy, but I also knew that this man was different than both the rebound guy and the psycho ex. He actually had drive and ambition, he had a grounding in faith and also a respect for other peoples beliefs, and to me it was a disservice to both of us if I didn’t explain to him about my faith and things that went on with my head. At that time I still thought that my fluxing and changing was purely due to the past life personas I had who were very strong. So, before we’d been in the relationship three months I took him with me to a get together some friends of similar beliefs and I had so he could see us talk about our past lives and alternate lives, and reading tarot together, and doing regressions and he was fine with that.

Over the next few years we talked at length about anything and everything. I feel very happy that we have a relationship that’s actually grounded in communication, despite what my step-father would say about it, we really do. My step-father would try to lie to one or both of us about other things going on figuring that he would get away with it because he would tell whoever he was talking to that they shouldn’t tell the other of us, but my husband and I would discuss things and then he would come back and say, “You guys don’t talk at ALL do you?” and it was more of a, “No, we DO talk you’re just a lying manipulative jerk.”

Anyway…back to my point. I came to realize especially when I became pregnant in 2005 that I was still very fluxy that it really wasn’t just channeling that there was something else going on. I was terrified that my fluxiness would have a detrimental affect on my unborn son, so I tried to clamp things down and function using just one of my personas. That didn’t work at all. I went from being able to function to being a walking shell. So, I decided I should have a new tactic. I talked at length about these things with my husband, and he agreed that it was better for me to be functional and flip periodically than not functional, and pointed out to me that logically it would be better for our son to have a mother who was functional and whose voice and mannerisms changed every once in a while than for his mother to be a shell of a person.

After our son was born there were some very rough times. It was a very traumatic time for our family, not just because of adjusting to a newborn but because my husband’s job switched him from nights to days, and because my husband’s mother was very sick. There was a lot of stress. Add to that a few months later that we moved from one apartment to another, and that my mother and step-father started divorce proceedings because he was cheating on her, and everything went extremely loopy. I was put on a new medication by my GP and that messed up the system equilibrium further. I started having missing time again, and my husband and I had a long discussion about why that was bad for me, and looked into getting me into therapy. That proved problematic because of insurance issues and time issues, we were trying to move again and my mother was living with us for a time, and then tried to go back with my step-father, who was abusive towards me, and I freaked out, more than a little.

I started realizing that there was a good chance I was actually a multiple. I would look at my notes to myself and how the handwriting changed, and I definitely knew that Max was strong enough that he could count as a separate personality. I had a conversation with one of the mods of an otherkin list, about my missing time and things and she shared some of her stories, she’s very open at being multiple, and some of her stories were so very similar to my own that I started to make peace with the fact that I was likely multiple. Hubbie and I had some more talks about things, there were certain things that I couldn’t do but that Max could, and I asked him if he would be averse to Max taking over certain things, and he said absolutely not he and Max got along very well.

So, this is why he knows, because to a point he already knew. He was along with us on our journey of selves discovery, and has been one of our greatest supporters. When I finally did get into therapy in February and was diagnosed in March it wasn’t so much of a revelation as a confirmation, and I told him as soon as I got home from the appointment that I had been diagnosed, and over the next few days we had several more discussions about things and elected to tell our close friends who are often over gaming with us and things, especially as half of them suspected anyway.

I know that telling isn’t for everyone. It’s taken me a long time to be able to trust people, and there’s still people in my social circle that I don’t trust enough to tell. If I do go back to work I doubt I’ll tell my bosses because that’s just too awkward a thing to do, and opens things up unnecessarily in the professional environment. However for my husband to know was important to me, because I knew that he needed to understand why certain things go on, and also because I don’t want there to be any secrets between us. It’s one thing to remain between one or two alters at a job but it would be a disservice to my husband and also to our recovery process for him to not know what was going on with his wife, as far as I’m concerned. Plus it prevents there from being issues with certain alters and certain acts. One of the big things between a husband and wife is sex. He wouldn’t want to be having sex with one of the littles, or with Jared, who is a male alter who is straight…that would just be awkward for everyone. So, with him knowing about the switching he knows now that if certain people are “out” there are certain things that he’s not going to do to me. He and Jared get along, they’re just not going to do that.

So, that’s why we told. I know it’s not for everyone. If I hadn’t been aware that I switched before I got married, it might be a different story.

To say I’m frustrated about my therapy situation would be putting it mildly. I’m coming up to a horrific anniversary and I have to admit I’m scared as to how things are going to work out. I tried to see if I could negotiate with my therapist’s office so that I could get another appointment in the interim before the insurance kicks over in January.

I have $100 outstanding on my bill. They want me to pay off $50 before I can book an appointment. Then at the appointment I have to pay the $70 plus $25 off the remainder of the balance. Well, unfortunately for me we can’t do that. I’ve been paying the bill off at $15 a month and that’s been pushing it. I figured I might be able to swing the $70 fee for the appointment then and there, but apparently that’s not good enough for the office manager. They don’t want me to get in over my head. Well, gee, that would be nice…IF they’d thought of that before they let me book two appointments after my insurance had run out that I had to pay out of pocket for.

I’m so annoyed. Especially because my therapist had said that she would still see me despite the outstanding bill. I’m not wanting to schedule appointments EVERY week and rack up $280 a month worth of bills. I just want one or two appointments at the most; but no, not unless I admit myself to the hospital.

I really dislike our insurance. I think I’m also frustrated because I thought that the parity bill being passed would mean that this was over, but the parity legislation doesn’t activate until NEXT year.

In the mean time I’m waiting to hear on the disability appeal, and to see if we can get food stamps; and I feel like we’re just going around and around in circles.

I’ve been having a hard time with things lately, and I realized a couple of days ago that I”m coming up for the ten year anniversary of when certain things happened to me.

For a long time I felt that around Halloween of 1998 I was possessed and didn’t overcome that possession until around January or February of 1999 with the help of my room mate, who later became my girlfriend, who is now “fondly” referred to as my psycho ex.

Now, I’m honestly not sure what to think about the possession. I’ve done a lot of spiritual work and so it wouldn’t be unheard of for it to have happened. However when I did work with entity attachment and release, rather than being taken to the time I thought I was taken to January of 2001 and found that my grandfather had attached to me to protect me from a spirit fragment of my “psycho ex”.

Perhaps I did get possessed, perhaps there was some kind of disassociation caused by something going on, where I had a stress-fracture and then it healed itself, after a fashion.

Hopefully when I’m able to go back with my therapist we’ll finally be able to get things sorted out. We were getting ready to look at these things when my insurance ran out…

Yesterday I watched the first episode of “My Own Worst Enemy” and I have to say I find it very interesting. I can relate to several of the things which happened in the show, not so much the killer, secret agent aspect of things, but certainly the leaving notes, and even video for each other and interacting like that. That’s very resonant to me, and the “whose clothes are these?” and things like that.

I’m interested to see the second episode, which was on last night but I have taped.

I am SO, SO tired of seeing multiplicity on television and in movies and the multiple either being a serial killer, or a general murderer or a faker. It really doesn’t do anything to alleviate people’s fear about a difficult to explain health condition.

I’ve heard that Showtime is making a show called “The United States of Tara” which is supposed to be about a woman living with multiplicity in the current times. I’ve heard many multiples decrying the show because they fear it will make light of the issues going on with multiples and how there are horrible traumatic reasonings behind the disorder so it shouldn’t be made light of.

I’m also eager to check out “My Own Worst Enemy” with Christian Slater, because while it’s non-standard multiplicity from what I’m hearing about it it’s going to cover many things that multiples go through when discovering their condition, so it’ll be interesting for sure.

However I, for one, don’t mind them depicting multiplicity with a modicum of humor. It’s generally how I get by. I make fun of myself quite often, because if you can’t joke about things I feel you’re in a bad way. Yes, there were some very traumatic things which happened to me over the years, but if it wasn’t for humor I don’t think I would get by. There are still times that I need to think about things and I do dwell on the bad things, and thankfully I have my friends or family to help me get by, given I don’t have access to my therapist at the minute, but at the same time I think that a television show would be able to do the same sort of thing. Other shows I’ve seen on Showtime balance the serious with the comedic the same way that real life is done, and I think if the shows are done well they might really help to alleviate some of the negative stereotypes that are considered for multiplicity that have been perpetrated longer by shows such as CSI where the multiple had actually made it all up figuring she would be able to get away with killing her parents then.

I get some interesting comments about my mental situation since our friends have been told about my multiplicity. There’s one friend in particular who seems to think that hubbie is exceedingly lucky being married to ten people. We’ve explained to him that there are a couple of us who don’t consider ourselves married to him. Jared, for example, does not look on hubbie as “Honey” or anything of the sort, and generally hides in the back with the Littles if anything remotely romantic is going on.

Hubbie also points out that there’s one Little he’s sure is going to try and kill him, and thus he takes his life into his hands every morning. It’s not quite that bad from my point of view, Little is a bit unstable, but she doesn’t come out much.

Sure things are never boring, and hubbie says he wouldn’t change it for the world, because he loves me with all my quirks, even if he doesn’t think of Jared that way (and he’s not expected to) but there are many times that I find myself wondering if he wouldn’t be better off with a saner person, just because that’s the way my thoughts run from time to time, especially on days like yesterday where I’m feeling decidedly non-functional.

I remember the other day I was talking about a trip I took to France when I was about ten. We went up the Eiffel Tower, and for some reason on the walk down I was seized by a huge panic attack and couldn’t move for a bit. An American tourist actually volunteered to carry me down stairs, but my friend and I refused. I said, “I’m not sure who had the fear…by that point there were five of us, and my childhood is still kinda hazy and jumbled because of that.”

The friend who had been commenting on hubbie’s good fortune being married to me said, “Wait, hold on. You were…ten?” I said, “Yes.” “And there were FIVE of you already by then?”

My room mate said, “Well, her grandmother is such a GREAT person.”

I said, “Well, two of them came about from some thing which happened with my ‘best friend’ so I *think* only three can be put down to my grandmother…”

I get mad periodically and want to go hunt down my step-father and punish him for things, or plot my grandmother falling down a hole and never coming out, and that causes arguments, because the parts that have those feelings most strongly are tempered by others who will defend the abusers in my life and put all the blame on ourself rather than the perpetrators. It’s a complex situation, to be sure, but on days where I’m feeling less fragmented I try to find the humor in the situation. It’s like I was telling another friend even if I’m driving by myself and get lost I’m not really stuck alone I have people to keep me company ALL the time, just so long as we don’t start talking to each other out loud so I don’t get Baker Acted.

Some times I hate it when friends and family tell me how proud they are of me for surviving, for doing the dishes, for cleaning the floor. They say this demonstrates how functional I am. I think it’s something that most multiples go through. It grates on us being told how functional we are, because most of the time we don’t feel that way.

Logically I know that I am functional to a degree, but perhaps it’s just a mark of the brain drain that certain people in my life put me through I don’t feel functional because I don’t have a job, because I’m not bringing in money, because we’re living paycheck to paycheck. I feel like this is my fault, because any job that I might possibly be able to get in this ridiculous excuse for an economy would not make it worth putting our son into daycare.

I look at the fact that our house isn’t spotless, and each out of place toy and speck of dirt becomes a badge of shame. I find it hard to focus on the fact that my son (while in that testing/NO/I HATE EVERYTHING two year old phase) is smart, is learning so much every day and is happy. I can’t see that the fact that he’s loving and will share affection, and babble on about his day is a good thing. I find that I’m hung up on the fact that he’s not potty trained yet, that he’s constantly back talking and re-doing bad things because he wants to see that consistency.

I get so pissed off because I remember what happened and there’s nothing I can do and nothing anyone else could do about it. I fear that my fluxing is going to screw up my son forever. I fear that I would be better off in an asylum somewhere away from society.

Family and friends say they don’t understand how I do it, and I think do what? All I did was get up this morning, give my son breakfast and take him to the park. You guys are holding down jobs.

I’m sure I’ll be back feeling more logical later, but today’s one of those bad days where I just see suckiness and doom.

Today has been an odd day. It’s been hard to stay in “one spot” in other words, to keep one alter consistently front. I’m not sure what it’s been. I doubt it’s the weather, it’s been thundering on and off for the past few weeks with the various remnants of the various tropical storms and hurricanes which have been around. I do occasionally have times when I’m very scared of thunder because one of the littles is more forward and they’re scared of the storms, but that wasn’t really it today.

At one point I was filling out a form at the fabric store and had to ask my friend what my last name was because I started to write my adopted name instead of my married name and suddenly realized that was wrong but couldn’t remember what the correct one was.

Today…one of my alters considers her birthday, so I wonder if that is the cause. I can’t really remember if there’s been any weird effect in years previous on this day…or not. I can see I’ll be looking back in my livejournal to see if I’ve made any reference to things like that.

There’s nothing more freaky than not being able to stay focused for more than a few minutes at a time. Thankfully I have good friends and family around me who can help me stay on track and are understanding about the forgetfulness when I’m normally an excellent multi-tasker. I hope this clears up by tomorrow.

There are days I wish my memory wasn’t a sieve. Even though we different alters have pretty good communication back and forth I feel like a goldfish. It’s hard to stick to new routines unless they’re stuck with for more than a week they tend to disappear after a few days. Ideas, notations…I live like a pensioner (or so I feel a lot of the time) I have to write notes about everything or rely on my husband to remind me about things, and he doesn’t have the best memory either.

I get scared at times. I worry that I will lose my son somewhere, even though all of us are very good at keeping an eye on him. I’m terrified. I hear about people who have left their children in cars and I get petrified that I’ll do something like that. I forget that I’m making dinner some times or to put laundry from the washer into the dryer, or get it out of the dryer, or to order prescriptions.

I hate it.

Just copy-pasting what’s on ami-chan.net because it needs to be out and about as much as possible.

To everyone in the United States,

If you want to help in some way with some of the problems we’ve been having (regarding the 20 visits to a mental health provider limit, whereas there’s an unlimited/high limit on physical health doctor visits (probably around $2 million dollars), please read this, write to your senators and share it with others so they can do the same; you help yourself too, because if these laws are passed and you ever need to have therapy for WHATEVER reason, you’ll have a better shot at care.

Please contact your senators and ask them to support the Parity Legislation Bill 558. There’s a link to the NAMI webpage in the text below which makes it REALLY easy.

It will make a HUGE difference across the board if it’s passed.

I filled out a NAMI form a few weeks ago with regards to law HR 6331, which is regarding the equality with regards Medicare’s treatment of mental health, lowering the co-pay to 20% instead of 50% we’ll see what happens with that. I heard back from Senators Nelson and Martinez fairly quickly on that one. Here’s hoping.

August 7, 2008

Before leaving Washington for the August recess, sponsors of parity legislation reached an agreement on a final bill to require equitable coverage in health plans for mental illness treatment. Now all that is remaining is to find a “budget offset” and resolve how the bill will be sent to the President.

When Congress returns to Washington the week of September 8, there will be only 3 weeks remaining before final adjournment - a critical window to complete long awaited mental illness insurance parity legislation. Congress needs to pass parity before adjourning this year!

Act Now!

1. Tell Congress to pass parity this year! Tell your Senators and Representative to support finishing the job and passing parity legislation. The message from NAMI is simple, “Don’t adjourn for the year without passing mental illness insurance parity.”

Send an e-mail message to your Senators and House member

2. Reach out to members of Congress while they are home. This week Congress began a month-long summer recess, with members returning to their states and districts to meet with constituents. In addition to calling and writing members of Congress, it is also critical for advocates to reach out and press them at every public appearance during this current “district work period” - at town meetings, campaign rallies, parades, radio call-in programs, county fairs, etc. At these events, remind all members of Congress that:

* Mental illnesses are real,
* Treatment works - if you can get it,
* There is no justification for a health plan to impose limitations or conditions on mental illness treatment that do not apply to all other medical conditions, and
* There is broad agreement on a compromise version of the mental illness insurance parity bill (S 558-HR 1424), now Congress just needs to finish the job and pass the bill so it can be signed in to law this year.
* Do not adjourn for the year without passing mental illness insurance parity

Learn More

Read more about the bipartisan-bicameral agreement on mental illness insurance parity legislation.

If you Go to this page it will help you fill out a form letter detailing the issue and send it to your local senators for you. You can also add your own message to the email if you would like.

I’m sending mine now. Thank you for your help and support!