Today has been an odd day. It’s been hard to stay in “one spot” in other words, to keep one alter consistently front. I’m not sure what it’s been. I doubt it’s the weather, it’s been thundering on and off for the past few weeks with the various remnants of the various tropical storms and hurricanes which have been around. I do occasionally have times when I’m very scared of thunder because one of the littles is more forward and they’re scared of the storms, but that wasn’t really it today.

At one point I was filling out a form at the fabric store and had to ask my friend what my last name was because I started to write my adopted name instead of my married name and suddenly realized that was wrong but couldn’t remember what the correct one was.

Today…one of my alters considers her birthday, so I wonder if that is the cause. I can’t really remember if there’s been any weird effect in years previous on this day…or not. I can see I’ll be looking back in my livejournal to see if I’ve made any reference to things like that.

There’s nothing more freaky than not being able to stay focused for more than a few minutes at a time. Thankfully I have good friends and family around me who can help me stay on track and are understanding about the forgetfulness when I’m normally an excellent multi-tasker. I hope this clears up by tomorrow.

There are days I wish my memory wasn’t a sieve. Even though we different alters have pretty good communication back and forth I feel like a goldfish. It’s hard to stick to new routines unless they’re stuck with for more than a week they tend to disappear after a few days. Ideas, notations…I live like a pensioner (or so I feel a lot of the time) I have to write notes about everything or rely on my husband to remind me about things, and he doesn’t have the best memory either.

I get scared at times. I worry that I will lose my son somewhere, even though all of us are very good at keeping an eye on him. I’m terrified. I hear about people who have left their children in cars and I get petrified that I’ll do something like that. I forget that I’m making dinner some times or to put laundry from the washer into the dryer, or get it out of the dryer, or to order prescriptions.

I hate it.

Since I last saw my step-father, who is, if we’re using psych terms one of my “perpetrators”. On that day I was in the grocery store trying to stock for our new house and kill time and calm myself down given I was waiting to here when I could pick my SO up from the hospital where he was supposed to be having surgery.

I walked into the store with my child in the shopping cart and he walked right in front of me towards the checkouts. He happened to look up when I walked in and said, “Hey, girl!” like we were great friends. I just glared and kept walking hoping that he would go away, deep down I knew he wouldn’t, and he followed me up into the baby aisle wanting to talk, telling me I had no right to be angry at him and that he wanted to talk to his grandchild.

I told him that I didn’t care and that he should go away. He was saying, “Don’t do this to me,” I walked off. He tried to say that he had rights to see my child because this is his grandchild and how dare I deny him.

I was shaking by the time I got to the deli, but my child was so cute kept going, “Okay, Mummy? Okay?” as we had been walking off perp had been trying to play with baby and be cutsie at him and attract his attention. I said, “Now, honey, we don’t play with that sort of person,” or something to that effect.

I was angry with myself too. I had started to feel guilty about not letting him talk to my child. But I have to remind myself that it’s for the child’s best interests and protection that he not be around this man who on previous occasions had tried to smack him with a rolled up newspaper and feed him honey and other things which could have killed him at under a year old.

We saw him again this past weekend. He came into a restaurant that we were eating at. He didn’t speak to us. I was with my SO and another friend and SO saw him first and they had a staredown. I have a feeling if SO hadn’t been there he would have come over and tried to be chatty. He had a woman with him who looks a lot like my Mum did when they met. That was more than a little freaky to me.

That night I had a dream that I was jumping on his chest.

Things have been a bit hectic here lately, we were hit by Tropical Storm Fay and while she seemed like she would be not too bad she did knock our power out on and off for several days which made things like working at the computer a bit difficult.

We’re also in the process of doing some building on our residence…which is a bit messed up by torrential rain, as you would imagine.

I do have some updates on my therapy situation. I haven’t been back to the therapist since the phone call I received, however we have spoken on the phone several times and I need to call her today. She’s been able to get permission to knock $55 off the cost of my visits, and is currently on the warpath with regards to their financial department because the “nice lady” who called to let me know that I had run out of visits, also called and essentially complained that I had only sent $10 off the bill, even though, she was the one who told me that as long as I was sending something even if it was as little as $5 I wouldn’t be sent to collections.

She told me that if I have not paid off one of the visits worth of money (which would be another $115) by September 3rd then when my next appointment comes up I won’t be able to see my therapist. As it is I’m probably going to be canceling that appointment because that’s around the first of the month when we pay our mortgage, and that week we’re lucky to have ANY extra money for even groceries depending on how much over time is on my husband’s pay check. I was in a snarky mood so given she had said it like this, “Just so you know if you don’t pay off $125 of the bill before the 3rd you can’t see the therapist,” I informed her, “Well, just so YOU know, my therapist is working something out, but if she isn’t able to I won’t be coming to any more appointments until January when the insurance kicks over, but I will be trying to pay $10 every two weeks until then and extra when I can.”

My therapist, however, went a bit on the warpath. I say a bit, because she’s generally a mild-mannered, soft-spoken woman and she got the loudest I’ve ever heard when she said, “That’s ridiculous!” Apparently there is someone paying $5 a month on a fairly large bill and still being seen, and she was also upset because $110 should have come off my bill given the $55 reduction she got on her appointment fee, and from the statement I got right before I sent my payment in there had been no fee reductions.

I was supposed to call her yesterday but I forgot. My memory sucks at times ;_; so I have a note in several places to call her today.

We’ll see what happens. I won’t be able to see her every week paying out of pocket, but I may at least be able to have a couple of visits in the interim while we wait for the insurance to reset, which to us is better than starting over elsewhere.

Just copy-pasting what’s on ami-chan.net because it needs to be out and about as much as possible.

To everyone in the United States,

If you want to help in some way with some of the problems we’ve been having (regarding the 20 visits to a mental health provider limit, whereas there’s an unlimited/high limit on physical health doctor visits (probably around $2 million dollars), please read this, write to your senators and share it with others so they can do the same; you help yourself too, because if these laws are passed and you ever need to have therapy for WHATEVER reason, you’ll have a better shot at care.

Please contact your senators and ask them to support the Parity Legislation Bill 558. There’s a link to the NAMI webpage in the text below which makes it REALLY easy.

It will make a HUGE difference across the board if it’s passed.

I filled out a NAMI form a few weeks ago with regards to law HR 6331, which is regarding the equality with regards Medicare’s treatment of mental health, lowering the co-pay to 20% instead of 50% we’ll see what happens with that. I heard back from Senators Nelson and Martinez fairly quickly on that one. Here’s hoping.

August 7, 2008

Before leaving Washington for the August recess, sponsors of parity legislation reached an agreement on a final bill to require equitable coverage in health plans for mental illness treatment. Now all that is remaining is to find a “budget offset” and resolve how the bill will be sent to the President.

When Congress returns to Washington the week of September 8, there will be only 3 weeks remaining before final adjournment - a critical window to complete long awaited mental illness insurance parity legislation. Congress needs to pass parity before adjourning this year!

Act Now!

1. Tell Congress to pass parity this year! Tell your Senators and Representative to support finishing the job and passing parity legislation. The message from NAMI is simple, “Don’t adjourn for the year without passing mental illness insurance parity.”

Send an e-mail message to your Senators and House member

2. Reach out to members of Congress while they are home. This week Congress began a month-long summer recess, with members returning to their states and districts to meet with constituents. In addition to calling and writing members of Congress, it is also critical for advocates to reach out and press them at every public appearance during this current “district work period” - at town meetings, campaign rallies, parades, radio call-in programs, county fairs, etc. At these events, remind all members of Congress that:

* Mental illnesses are real,
* Treatment works - if you can get it,
* There is no justification for a health plan to impose limitations or conditions on mental illness treatment that do not apply to all other medical conditions, and
* There is broad agreement on a compromise version of the mental illness insurance parity bill (S 558-HR 1424), now Congress just needs to finish the job and pass the bill so it can be signed in to law this year.
* Do not adjourn for the year without passing mental illness insurance parity

Learn More

Read more about the bipartisan-bicameral agreement on mental illness insurance parity legislation.

If you Go to this page it will help you fill out a form letter detailing the issue and send it to your local senators for you. You can also add your own message to the email if you would like.

I’m sending mine now. Thank you for your help and support!

I’m not even sure if we’ve lost her or not, it just feels like it right now. Apparently my husband’s insurance only covers 20 mental health visits per year, and I met those in July and had two more appointments after that, so I now owe the therapists office $250.

So, joy…at $125 a visit there’s no way I can afford to have one visit a week as my therapist wants. I’m hoping that she’ll be able to cut a deal but I’m also fearful that she won’t be able to do that because the economy is hurting everyone, and she won’t be able to afford that, then again me giving her something is better than losing me entirely, aside from the fact that I’m hopeful she really does want to help me aside from the financial aspect, but it’s hard to trust that things will work out.

I’ve been screwed over so many times by so many people, and we were just starting to all be able to trust her and talk to her, and now this. I know it’s not my therapists fault. I know she didn’t do this. It’s the insurance company…and I feel partially responsible for not thinking to check that there was a limitation on visits…but…argh. It’s just a horrible situation, and I know I’m not the first who has been through this, but it seems so stupid that there’s such little emphasis placed on taking care of mental health situations. One appointment a month is nowhere near enough to fix the issues that I have, and now I’ll have none until January unless something can be sorted out.

or Blue Cross Blue Shield and their brand of madness!

I found out today that I can’t have any more therapy sessions until next year. Well, in theory I could but I can’t afford $500 per month for therapy when we’re barely making ends meet as it is.

Why is this the case? Because Blue Cross and Blue Shield of Florida has it said on most of their plans (according to the girl I talked to on the phone) that 20 visits per year is all that should be necessary for someone seeing a therapist. I guess they don’t take anything into account more severe than dealing with a death in the family, or being disgruntled with your job, otherwise you’re just up the creek.

They tell me that I can appeal the two visits I already had over my twenty before my therapists office saw fit to let me know (apparently there was a staff change to blame for this miscommunication) well tell that to my wallet that now owes $250 and only has $16 to last me until next week.

I can’t switch plans. I can have my therapist write to them and explain that because I’m a Multiple I NEED more than one visit per month, just like because I’m allergic I can’t have ambien but need lunesta, however they view the pill situation medically necessary and will make an exception, but the fact that the therapy is helping me to function in normal society and be able to return as a productive member of the workforce in the future is not something they consider valuable or necessary.

I guess I just better cling to the hope that I can actually qualify for disability and then may be able to get the rest of the appointments covered under Medicaid otherwise I’m screwed until January, and after then will only be able to go once per month.

There’s a chance that the office will be able to set up a sliding scale of payments, but other than that I’m out of luck, and even with that I may be down to one visit per month, because we’re pretty broke.

A while back I had the domain ceruleansoul.com which I bought to be my web design domain, and my “main hub”. I chose that because a poem that I had written at the time.

Cerulean Soul
I have these places spaces
Where my mind is cerulean
In amongst the haze collision
Of a thousand other moments
Planes of memory falling bawling
Mediocre minuscule
Only striving for the testament
With you.
December 28, 2004.

Last year, when I was scrabbling to come up with a name change from “amithecat” which we could all tolerate and wasn’t just a name that one or two of us liked or were represented in I came up with the idea of Echoes, because it’s plural and also because we’re all Echoes. We’re reflections of past and future lives, and also in certain respects we’re each reflections of a portion of the whole who was there before. We may consider ourselves separate “people” but we are kind of…not whole. We sort of have certain traits which are amplified and others which are neglected, because of “functions” or things like that.

The poem came back to me but slightly differently, and it’s what Ami used in the header when she made the original layout and this one.

Cerulean Echo
I am a cerulean echo of
the place that once was
Shattered upon the spaces
where someone used to be
Bend the world around me
Broken on the shores
I wash up with the tide
and find balance once more.
10th December 2007

So, hence we are “Cerulean Echoes”.

This was shared on Amongst Ourselves and I thought it was so useful that it had to be shared. The original source is unknown, once I find out what it is I will add it to this post.

It is sometimes possible to predict the likelihood of the person you are currently or are about to become involved with being abusive. Below are a list of behaviors and traits which are common in abusive personalities.

These are commonly known as Warning Signs

While not all abusive people show the same signs, or display the tendencies to the same extent, if several behavioral traits are present, there is a strong tendency toward abusiveness. Generally, the more signs are present, the greater the likelihood of violence. In some cases, an abuser may have only a couple of behavioral traits that can be recognized, but they are very exaggerated (e.g. extreme jealousy over ridiculous things)

Often the abuser will initially try to explain his/her behavior as signs of his/her love and concern, and the victim may be flattered at first; as time goes on, the behaviors become more severe and serve to dominate, control and manipulate the victim.

Jealousy
At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser will always say the jealousy is a sign of love. He/she may question you about whom you have spoken to or seen during the day, may accuse you of flirting, or be jealous of time you spend with family, friends, children or hobbies which do not include him/her.
As the jealousy progresses, he/she may call you frequently during the day or drop by unexpectedly. He may be unhappy about or refuse to let you work for fear you’ll meet someone else, check the car mileage or ask friends to keep an eye on you.

Jealousy is not proof of love, it is a sign of insecurity and possessiveness.

Controlling Behavior

Controlling behavior is often disguised or excused as concern. Concern for your safety, your emotional or mental health, the need to use your time well, or to make sensible decisions. Your abuser may be angry or upset if you are ‘late’ coming back from work, shopping, visiting friends, etc., even if you
told him/her you would be later back than usual. Your abuser may question you closely about where you were, whom you spoke to, the content of every conversation you held, or why you did something he/she was not involved in. As this behavior gets worse, you may not be allowed to make personal decisions about the house, clothing, going to church or how you spend your time or money or even make you ask for permission to leave the house or room. Alternately, he/she may theoretically allow you your own decisions, but penalize you for making the wrong ones.
Concern for our loved ones to a certain extent is normal - trying to control their every move is not.

Quick Involvement
Many victims of abuse dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together. The abuser will often claim ‘love at first sight’, that you are ‘made for each other’, or that you are the only person whom he could ever talk to so openly, feel so at home with, could
understand him so well. He/she may tell you that they have never loved anyone so much or felt so loved by anyone so much before, when you have really only known each other for a short amount of time. He/she needs someone desperately, and will pressure you to commit to him/her or make love before you feel the relationship has reached ‘that stage’.
He/she may also make you feel guilty for not committing yourself to him/her.

Unrealistic Expectations
The abuser may expects you to be the perfect husband, wife, mother, father, lover, and friend. He/she is very dependent on you for all his/her needs, and may tell you he/she can fulfill all your needs as lover, friend, and companion. Statements such as: ‘lf you love me, I’m all you need.’, ‘You are all I need.’ are common.
Your abuser may expect you to provide everything for him/her emotionally, practically, financially or spiritually, and then blame you for not being perfect or living up to expectation.

Isolation
The abuser may try to curtail your social interaction. He/she may prevent you from spending time with your friends or family and demand that you only go places ‘together’. He/she may accuse you of being ‘tied to your mother’s apron strings’, not be committed to the relationship, or view people who are your
personal friends as ‘causing trouble’ or ‘trying to put a wedge’ between you.
He/she may want to live in the country without a phone, not let you use the car, stop you from working or gaining further education or qualifications.

Blame-shifting for Problems
Very rarely will an abusive personality accept responsibility for any negative situation or problem. If they are unemployed, can’t hold down a job, were thrown out of college or University or fall out with their family, it is always someone else’s fault, be it the boss, the government, or their mother.
They may feel that someone is always doing them wrong, or out to get him.
He/she may make a mistakes and then blame you for upsetting him/her or preventing him/her from doing as they wished to.

Blame-shifting for Feelings
The abuser will deny feelings stem from within him/her but see them as reactions to your behavior or attitude toward him/her. He/she may tell you that ‘you make me mad’, ‘you’re hurting me by not doing what I ask’, or that he/she cannot help feeling mad, upset, etc. Feelings may be used to manipulate
you, i.e. ‘I would not be angry if you didn’t …’ Positive emotions will often also be seen as originating outside the abuser, but are more difficult to detect. Statements such as ‘You make me happy’ or ‘You make me feel good about myself’ are also signs that the abuser feels you are responsible for his sense of well-being. Either way, you become in his/her mind the cause of good and bad feelings and are therefore responsible for his/her emotional well-being and happiness.
Consequently, you are also to blame for any negative feelings such as anger, upset or depression.

Hypersensitivity
Most abusers have very low self-esteem and are therefore easily insulted or upset. They may claim their feelings are ‘hurt’ when they are really angry, or take unrelated comments as personal attacks. They may perceive normal set-backs (having to work additional hours, being asked to help out, receiving a parking fine, etc.) as grave personal injustices. They may view your preference for something which differs from their own as a criticism of their taste and therefore themselves (e.g. blue wallpaper rather than pink, etc.)

Cruelty to Animals
The abuser may punishes animals brutally, be insensitive to their pain or suffering, or neglect to care for the animals to the point of cruelty, e.g. not feeding them all day, leaving them in areas he/she knows will cause them suffering or distress. There is a strong correlation between cruelty to animals
and domestic violence which is still being researched.

Cruelty to Children
The abusers unrealistic expectations of their partner are often mirrored in their attitude toward children. He/she will think of children as ’small adults’ and blame the children for not being responsible, having common sense or understanding. He/she may expect children to be capable far beyond their ability (e.g. is angry with a two-year old for wetting their pants or being sick on the carpet, waking at night or being upset by nightmares) and will often meet out punishments for ‘naughtiness’ the child could not be aware of. Abusers may tease children until they cry, or punish children way beyond what could be deemed appropriate. He/she may not want children to eat at the table, expect them to stay quiet, or keep to their room all evening while he/she is at home. Since abusers want all your attention themselves, they resent your spending time with the children or any normal demands and needs the children may have.

As above (cruelty to animals), there is a very strong link between Domestic Violence and Child Abuse.

‘Playful’ use of Force in Sex
He/she may pressurize you to agree to forceful or violent acts during sex, or want to act out fantasies where you are helpless. A male abuser may let you know that the idea of “rape” excites him. He/she may show little concern about whether you want to have intercourse and uses sulking or anger to manipulate you into compliance.
Starting sex while you are sleeping, demanding sex when you are ill or tired, or refusing any form of intimacy unless you are willing to go ‘all the way’ can all be signs that he/she could be sexually abusive or sexually violent.

Rigid Gender Roles
Abusers usually believe in stereotypical gender roles. A man may expect a woman to serve him; stay at home, obey him in all things - even things that are criminal in nature. A male abuser will often see women as inferior to men, more stupid, unable to be a whole person without a relationship.
Female abusers may expect the man to provide for them entirely, shift the responsibility for her well-being onto him or heckle him as being ‘not a real man’ if he shows any weakness or emotion.

Verbal Abuse
In addition to saying things that are meant to be cruel and hurtful, either in public or in private, this can include degrading remarks or running down any accomplishments. Often the abuser will tell you that you are ’stupid’, could not manage without him/her. He/she may keep you up all night to ’sort
this out once and for all’ or even wake you at night to continue to verbally abuse you.
The abuser may even say kindly things to your face, but speak badly about you to friends and family.

Dr.Jekyll and Mr Hyde
Very rarely do abusers conform to the stereotypical image of a constantly harsh, nasty or violent person, either in public or in private. More frequently the abuser portrays a perfectly normal and pleasant picture to the outside world (often they have responsible jobs or are respected and important members of the local community or Church) and reserves the abuse for you in the privacy of your own home. Nor are abusers always overtly abusive or cruel, but can display apparent kindness and consideration. This Jekyll and Hyde tendency of the abuser serves to further confuse the victim, while protecting themselves from any form of suspicion from outsiders. Many victims describe “sudden” changes in mood - one minute nice and the next explosive or hysterical, or one minute happy and the next minute sad.

Drink or Substance Abuse
While neither drinking or the use of drugs are signs of an abusive personality, heavy drinking or drug abuse (NOT including smoking marijuana) may be a warning sign and do increase the risks of abuse, especially violence, taking place. Often an abusive person will blame the drink for his/her abuse. However, a person who, knowing there is a risk he/she could be violent when drinking or on drugs, chooses to get drunk or high, is in effect choosing to abuse.

History of Battering or Sexual Violence
Very rarely is abuse or violence a one-off event: a batterer will beat any woman he is with; a sexually abusive person will be abusive toward all his intimate partners. Situational circumstances do not make a person an abusive personality. Sometimes friends or family may try to warn you about the abuser. Sometimes the abuser may tell you himself/herself that he/she has hit or sexually assaulted someone in the past. However, they may further go on to explain that “she made me do it by …” or in some other way not take responsibility and shift the blame on to the victim. They may tell you that it won’t happen with you because “you love them enough to prevent it” or “you won’t be stupid enough to wind me up that much”. Once again, this is denying their own responsibility for the abuse, and shifting the responsibility for the relationship to remain abuse-free on to you. Past violence is one of the strongest pointers that abuse will occur.
If at all possible, try to speak to their previous girlfriends.

Negative Attitude toward Women
Some men may tell you that you are different to all the women they have known before, who display a lack of respect of women generally or who talk negatively and disrespectfully of their previous wives or girlfriends. They may tell you that you are special, not like the others and that they consider themselves to be the luckiest man alive to have found the last decent woman.
It is not likely to be long before they remember that you are a woman and don’t deserve their respect.

Threatening Violence
This would obviously include any threat of physical force such as “If you speak to him/her again, I’ll kill you”, or “If any wife of mine acted like John’s did, I’d give her a right seeing to”. Threats are designed to manipulate and control you, to keep you in your place and prevent you making your own decisions.
Most people do not threaten their mates, but an abuser will excuse this behavior by saying “everybody talks like that.”, maintaining he/she is only saying this because the relationship or you are so important to him/her, tell you you’re “over-sensitive” for being upset by such threats, or obviously want to hurt him/her.
Threats can also be less overt, such as “If you leave me, I will kill myself”, or “You are so wonderful, I will never let you go/couldn’t live without you”

Breaking or Striking Objects
The abusive person may break your treasured object, beat his/her fists on the table or chair or throw something at or past you. Breaking your things is often used as a punishment for some imagined misdeed on your part. Sometimes it will be justified by saying that now that you are with him/her, you don’t need these items any more. Breaking your possessions also has the effect of de-personalizing you, denying you your individuality or literally trying to break links to your past. Beating items of furniture or throwing objects will often be justified by saying you wound him/her up so much they lost control, once again shifting the blame for this behavior on to you, but is actually used to terrorize you into submission.
Only very immature or abusive people beat on objects in the presence of other people in order to threaten or intimidate them.

Any Force during an Argument
An abuser may physically restrain you from leaving the room, lash out at you with his/her hand or another object, pin you against a wall or shout ‘right in your face’.
Basically any form of force used during an argument can be a sign that actual violence is a strong possibility.

While my ex didn’t have all of these traits, she had a good many of them, and I see a lot of them in my ex-step-father as well. Such fun. But hey, they’re exes for a reason.
If you’re saying to yourself right now, wow, this could be a page out of my life…you should pack up and get out of Dodge as quickly as you possibly can. Googling is really helpful in locating shelters in your area, and shelters are really, really great about helping you get back on your feet, providing you with tons of resources, including child care.

I’ve been doing this over on my livejournal, and thought I would bring some of the Q&A over here, and if there’s anyone else who wants to ask me questions just ask away in the comments here.

Here’s what I said over there:

Okay, so I know this has to be weirding people out in many ways shapes and forms. I appreciate hearing from those of you who have questions, ask me any questions you want about this, no matter how stupid you think they are.

This is weird for me so it has to be weird for some of you on my F-List as well, and I know from things my Mum has asked me that there are tons of questions, and it takes her a bit to ask them some times.

So, take this as the opportunity ask your questions. I will answer, or one of us will answer. For example, some of my Mum’s questions.

1. So, um…which one of you is [my daughter]?
Answer: We all are. Most of the time I (Abby) am the one that’s “out” so I guess I’m “default” and so mostly likely to be who you’ve talked to and consider to be [your daughter], but we’re all her.

2. But…there are guys right…how does that work?
Answer: Um…awkwardly?
It’s weird to me too, because for a long time I thought even going with “past lives” that if you were a girl you were always a girl, and for some people that’s true, but in getting to know other multiples there’s often a predominance of the birth-gender but at least one or two of opposing genders, even with guys. There’s one guy on AO who has one female alter (that I’ve met), and the more I get to know the “girls” the more I find there are male alters among them too.
I guess it’s just because it was necessary. We fractured because it was the only way to survive what happened, and for some reason it was needed for their to be guys in here.